I Need a Hero(ine)!

There was much celebrating in the Denatti household yesterday. After months of captivity, my seven-year old daughter’s Favorite Movie of Ever was pried from the hungry jaws of our minivan’s busted DVD player. And despite sitting beneath a metal roof in the blazing Texas sun, it played perfectly. My daughter was so happy she watched it twice last night. If not for bedtime, she would have watched it a third time!

Confession time: I actually like the movie, too. Mostly because it contains certain scenes I can watch over and over again. Like a dripping wet Daniel Craig, fresh from the shower.

You’re probably thinking, “Wait … what? Since when does The Little Mermaid feature a naked Daniel Craig?"

Since never. Wouldn’t it be awesome if it did, though? Appropriate, too, given the phallic imagery on the castle in the original VHS release.

Darling it's better / Down where it's wetter / Take it from me.

Apparently, life is hard under the sea. Or maybe King Triton is REALLY happy to see you. Note to self: begin more Mondays with a Google search on “Little Mermaid phallus.” Good times.

Also, what’s up with Triton’s hand in this particular crop? No wonder Ariel had Daddy issues.

Time for your blowfish impersonation, Ariel.

Okay, I’ll stop now. In lieu of brain bleach, I'll give you a dose of the aforementioned Daniel Craig.

 

I repeat: Darling it's better / Down where it's wetter ...

Another note to self: Forget about the Little Mermaid phallus searches. Start each day with a Google search for "wet Daniel Craig."

Mmm. Wet Daniel Craig.

What were we talking about? Oh, yeah. My kid's favorite movie. As you’ve probably guessed, it's not a cartoon. It’s not even G-rated. It does not feature adorable talking animals, and it’s not a product of Disney Imagineering.

It’s Tomb Raider.

You’re familiar with the movie, right? Angelina Jolie plays Lara Croft, the disproportionate heroine who sprang from the wet dreams of some optimistically imaginative videogame designers. I’m guessing they were fans of Indiana Jones but felt the franchise could be improved upon with boobs and guns.

I’m looking for King Triton’s castle. For, uh … archeological purposes.

As role models go, I suppose my daughter could do worse. I’m not wild about the unrealistic body-shape expectations this might create, but it’s not like she sees anything different from the Disney Channel, the magazine rack, or the Barbie aisle at Target. At least Lara Croft kicks ass while being objectified.

Speaking of kicking ass, I initially thought my daughter would enjoy other superhero-ish, action-adventure movies. Boy, was I wrong. She had no interest in Iron Man, Spiderman, Batman … pretty much anything that ended in “man” was right out. She wants a strong female character with which to identify, and I don’t blame her.

Problem is there aren’t many movies, outside of Tomb Raider, that not only feature such a protagonist (sidekicks and minor characters don’t count) but also remain more or less appropriate for a seven-year old.

I loved Geena Davis in The Long Kiss Goodnight and Bridget Fonda in Point of No Return (apparently, I haven’t watched any movies since the 90’s), but both movies earned their R ratings. In fact, all the franchises with kick-ass women seem to be rated R—think Kill Bill, Resident Evil, Underworld, and the Alien movies.

If there's one thing Hollywood has taught us, it's that it takes a lot of leg (and very tiny panties) to fight genetically modified alien werewolf vampire ninjas.

So, it’s time to weigh in, my lovelies. Can you think of any PG (or even PG-13) action-adventure movies with a female lead? As fun as it is to watch American Angelina Jolie speak with a British accent (and British Daniel Craig speak with an American one), some diversity would be nice. And if we could avoid the utter silliness of the Charlie’s Angels movies that would be good, too. 

Help a girl out!