I spend a lot of time on the road, much of which is spent sitting in traffic. Having banned in-vehicle cell phone use after I nearly rear-ended someone while watching a Ricky Martin video (the irony, y’all!), I’ve been forced to entertain myself in other ways.
Mostly, I pass the time plotting deliciously fiendish ways to torture the characters in the books I ought to be writing. But every now and then I take a moment to observe my fellow drivers. And I've noticed that people who buy certain vehicles tend to have a very specific idea about the image they’re projecting. And in many cases, they’re dead wrong.
To combat this tragic case of perception-myopia, I’ve devised the following guide.
You’re welcome.
What You THINK Your Vehicle Says About You
vs.
What Your Vehicle ACTUALLY Says About You
HONDA CR-V
What You Think It Says:
I love every minute of my crazy-busy life. Not only am I a star at work, but I also shoulder most of the responsibilities at home, thus allowing my spouse more freedom to crap up the garage with his latest haul of ridiculously overpriced homebrew equipment. I even find time to volunteer for the PTA and the food pantry. Whether it’s taking the kids to soccer practice or rushing to meet with one of my three book clubs, I know my vehicle reflects the sort of smart, reliable person I am.
What It Actually Says:
I am one divorce away from owning ten cats and starring in an episode of Hoarders.
"I tell ya what, Sheryl Sandberg: you lend me your nanny, and I'll lean in more."
JEEP WRANGLER RUBICON
What You Think It Says:
I’m a free spirit who loves the feel of the wind in my hair. When I'm behind the wheel, no road is too steep and no mountain too high. I love a good dare almost as much as I love being spontaneous. Off-road or in-town, I’m always ready for the next adventure!
What It Actually Says:
I have an STD.
Smells like freedom. And antibiotic ointment.
CHEVY SUBURBAN
What You Think It Says:
I’ve been blessed with a large family and enough disposable income to blow fifty grand on a four-wheel drive mobile mammoth that spends most of its time idling in city traffic. The 4.1-mpg this baby gets doesn’t worry me at all, since I’ll be claimed by the Rapture long before we finish raping the Earth for fossil fuels.
What It Actually Says:
I vote Republican.
Suck it, Al Gore!
AUDI R8
What You Think It Says:
Everyone wants me — man or woman, straight or gay, young or old. Hell, even Fido does a double take when I stroll into a room. Remember when JT was bringing sexy back? Well, I’m the one who stole it, babe.
What It Actually Says:
I am the doucheyest douche in Doucheville.
All aboard the Doucheville Express!
JAGUAR XK
What You Think It Says:
Unlike love, you can’t buy class. My Jag gets me pretty close, though, from the handcrafted wood veneers and smooth metallic trim of its posh console to the leather headliner designed by renowned Italian furniture house Poltrona Frau. I added the limited-availability Portfolio Pack, because nothing says wealth and exclusivity like premium carpet mats. Jealous?
What It Actually Says:
I’m putting my mechanic’s children through college.
You're only a douche if you pronounce "Jaguar" with three syllables. (I'm looking at you, England.)
KIA RIO
What You Think It Says:
Labels and brand names aren’t important to me — I’m just looking for the maximum value I can get for every dollar I earn as an assistant manager at McDonald’s. Sure, a Kia’s resale value falls roughly between that of used sweatsocks and a Sony Discman, but by the time I’m ready to sell I’ll have won the lottery and it won’t matter anyway.
What It Actually Says:
My credit cards are all maxed out.
Fifty-eight more payments, and she's mine!
BMW (all models)
What You Think It Says:
I appreciate the superior engineering and obvious devotion to quality that goes into manufacturing each and every BMW. My car is the perfect amalgam of sport and luxury, a product of that rare synergy found when obsession meets fanaticism (which isn’t a particularly new thing in Germany). Anyway, if it was good enough for Julia Roberts’ rich boyfriend in Mystic Pizza after she dumped fish in his Porsche, then it’s good enough for me!
What It Actually Says:
I was cool once. I think.
Honk if this movie still makes you cry.
Prius/Insight/Leaf
What You Think It Says:
I care deeply about the environment and the long-term effects our dependency on foreign oil will have on our future, both morally and geopolitically. I want to leave the smallest footprint possible, which is why I love how well my reusable grocery bags and drinking cups fit in the roomy(ish) hatchback. I truly believe that together we can make the world a better place.
What It Actually Says:
I don’t have sex very often.
"Is this thing running, or not? Seriously, my vibrator makes more noise."
TOYOTA YARIS
What You Think It Says:
I only listen to obscure indie bands, many of which I’ll trash on my hugely successful blog once they get too popular. I spend my days in coffee shops and my nights in art-house theaters, watching foreign films. I see myself as a modern-day Kerouac, a techno-age iconoclast raging against the very machine that makes my existence both possible and purposeful. I bought a Toyota to be ironic.
What It Actually Says:
My mom still does my laundry.
"I only go to SXSW to lament the early days and snark about MySpace."
FORD ECONOLINE CARGO VAN
What You Think It Says:
I’m friendly and courteous, a hard-working, blue-collar guy who’s happy to help fix your flat tire. You ran out of gas? No problem — I carry a spare gallon in back. I’ll hold the door for you while you fetch it from the depths of the roomy cargo hold. Did I mention how pretty you are?
What It Actually Says:
There are assorted body parts buried in my backyard.
Run away!!!!!!!!